She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll
She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll
The American Dream with Author Varuni Sinha Part 3
In this special final episode of the three-part series, host Kristina Driscoll concludes her conversation with author Varuni Sinha, who shares deep and compelling stories from her life and book "Golden Handcuffs: An Immigrant's Pursuit of Happiness." Varuni opens up about her husband’s noble efforts in journalism, her poignant experiences during COVID-19, including the struggles of her mother-in-law’s illness and the consequent challenges with immigration and spousal visas.
Varuni recalls the life-changing story of how her therapy dog Mowgli played a crucial role in her recovery from depression and how strangers' act of kindness restored her faith in humanity. She also draws inspiration from the story of Richard Phillips, a wrongfully convicted man who used art as an outlet during his incarceration, and how this inspired her to embrace her creativity and write her book.
The conversation touches on themes of mental health, the immigrant experience, systemic injustice, and the redemptive power of empathy and community support. Varuni emphasizes the importance of moving beyond pain and giving others a chance, regardless of their background. She urges listeners to look for the good in life, even amidst adversity, and to nurture faith and love over fear and hatred.
Kristina reflects on Varuni's journey of spiritual growth and resilience.
Varuni Sinha Bio:
Varuni Sinha is a New York City-based writer and multimedia producer. She has written for The Post and Courier, Time Out New York, and created 360-degree campaigns for global brands such as Yamaha and Panasonic. A former guest lecturer at the University of Delhi, she taught “Race and Politics Through Literature” and wrote a dissertation on the history of Indian comic superheroes, tracing their origin story to Hindu gods and their American cousins. Her paintings have been displayed in solo and group exhibitions in galleries across India.
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Ep 99 - Saving the Best for Last: Part 3 with Author Varuni Sinha
Intro - Kristina Driscoll, She's Brave Podcast:
Thank you all so much for listening to this special three part series of She's Brave podcast with author Varuni Sinha. We've learned so much and we've saved the best for last. My hope is that you come away from hearing this story with more awareness and empathy for the myriad of struggles that you may not necessarily identify with.
I know I certainly have. In this shorter final episode, Vrooni shares my favorite story from her book. Thank you for sharing your brave story, Vrooni. And to all of you out there, thanks so much for listening.
Kristina: I can't believe that your husband worked really hard to get this article written about what was happening with these young black men and his name wasn't even mentioned in the article. It's just mind blowing.
Varuni: I do remember the day his name was omitted from the article, he came back and he said, at least the story of my patient. Went in ink on the newspaper and that is what matters. And I cannot do that. I think that is extremely noble of an individual to still bring attention to what matters and have zero ego.
Kristina: That's amazing. I agree like that. When you just said that right now, I just thought it's very rare for somebody to Yeah. To just be like, it's okay. I don't need to take any credit for this. Yeah,
Another story that's really heart wrenching in the book about your mother in law. At, during this time of COVID. So I would love it if you would share, because it has to do again with this visa issue. And most of us, people like me don't know anything about how this stuff works.
Varuni: Yeah. I still have shut off that period of COVID because it's so painful, and there's so much that we went through that it's better that we don't talk about it or think about it and that's not entirely healthy.
So what happened was things started stabilizing a little bit in New York City.
It was at one point the epicenter of the spread. We did hear sirens all the time. People were given strict instructions like the firefighters do not resuscitate patients and take them straight to the morgue because the hospital beds had got filled up. From there, we reached a point where the death count on a daily basis was going down.
At that point, me and my husband, we made our first trip, outside New York just for a weekend and a weekend getaway. And there was so much stress. We hadn't even, been with each other as husband and wife. And during that weekend, I think I conceived, I became pregnant. I wasn't aware at the time.
But just a couple of weeks later, we learned that his mother and his mother basically brought up two boys on her own. Her, her husband is still alive, but he, like I told you, is like a pre teenage boy who just repeats things, because of the damage done to his brain because of the accident.
So we learned that she'd contracted the virus. She was all alone in her apartment in New Delhi and somebody needed to now bring her home because her husband didn't know what was going on. So she fell because the virus had impacted her in such a way that she just fell while talking to my sister in law on the camera.
And my father in law, because he's so limited in his capacity to function, just walked on top of her. And my sister, that's the last that she saw. And she was like, one of us has to go. She couldn't go because she has kids. I couldn't go because of my spousal visa, because every time anyone has to travel, our visas have to be stamped.
So my my husband's brother without thinking, because his was the only one which had got stamped. He just went straight off to take care of her. Meanwhile, she was like, Me and my husband, we were constantly trying to reach out to immigration lawyers, trying to ask them how we can bring his mom back because within two days we got scans, brain scans, because essentially she wasn't functioning properly.
She wasn't being able to talk coherently. So they got brain scans done. They sent it to my husband who can read. So he is a stroke specialist. He can see brain scans and understand that what he was looking at was glioblastoma. It's a brain tumor, which It's the most deadly kind I've heard. Deadly kind. It grows like a spindle inside the brain, like an octopus eating the human being.
And the person is on an average dead within three to four months. So we are trying to now figure out how we can bring his dying mother home. Meanwhile, the lawyer is The only thing that they told us was, if you go, you won't be able to come back because the virus had completely stranded the visa stamping process.
I'm sitting here trying to understand what I can do. So I'm sitting with my husband trying to fill this form, which is a national exemption waiver. for physicians and here my husband who had saved so many people felt so frustrated and angry that he couldn't save his own mother and she could very well have been dead before he would have been able to see her.
We filled that entire waiver, form, and it had already been more than two months. His A brother wanted to come back to his family because he would lose his job. And so at that point, my husband was like, okay, fine. I'll just fly down and I'll take the risk of bringing mom home that week because of the intense stress of the situation we were in.
I had a miscarriage.
Kristina: Oh, yeah. I read about that. And I'm really sorry about that. I struggled with infertility for years too. And yeah, it's so painful. It's so hard.
Varuni: Yeah. I laughed because I didn't know how to process grief at that point. And my husband was now he has to leave his wife in this condition and go and bring his dying mother home.
And he took that call when he was on the airplane. the national exemption waiver got approved. So he didn't even know before he was going to land whether it would get approved or not. Wow. Yeah. And so he knew that at least his job is safe. Otherwise he would have been stuck there and his, his boss very well could have fired him.
If he got stuck in India for a couple of months, which people did during that time, many Indians did like many other immigrants did. He did bring his mother home and I was I was alone here in New York City still just with my dog waiting for them to come. So that I could now take care of my mother in law who who basically lived with us.
Me and my husband took very good care of her. So she was able to survive for a little longer than those three months, but within a year she passed away.
Kristina: Yeah. So tough. So tough. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that…
I want to share one of my very favorite parts of the book. That's really close to the end of the book. It's about your dog Mowgli. So please tell us that story. It's so good. And it really changed you.
Varuni: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah so when my husband took the decision, like, when he saw me in, when I was struggling with my depression and all of that, he'd taken the decision to bring a therapy dog home, and that was Smokely and Golden Retrievers combined with Labradors, that's a Goldadar, and they are very good.
They're almost like, human beings. And this dog was almost intuitive in the sense that I think he still knows what's going to happen before it happens. And he reminded me of my dogs back home in India. It was very strange that he acts and behaves like both of them. And my husband brought this dog home.
And he trained him when he was away in LA so that he knew that I still have, he's not abandoning me or anything. And he still would come in, take care of me every month and check on me. But Mowgli was the healer. Mowgli he would wake me up. Early in the morning, which is very important for anyone who's going through any kind of depression.
People just want to sleep and sleep makes it worse because you're just trying to just somehow duck your head into the soil and just imagine that your problems will disappear. magically just go away. And Mowgli was such a, a strong active dog that he needed at least four to five walks, which is why the amount that he, just dragged me out of the house and the amount of time that I spent outdoors just walking with him was something that helps me not only mentally, but also physically.
I had during the course of that depression, I had also accumulated and the drinking I had accumulated. Some real nasty weight, which needed to be lost and just walking being outside. And like I shared with you once we started walking together, there were more and more people who would just randomly come up to us and just start talking to us, sharing their stories, sharing what they're going through.
And that's what my life was even and so I was in a way like healed by not only my dog, but these strangers on the street. And I understood what Brendan Stanton, the guy who created Humans of New York, must have experienced at a much bigger level. Because I just experienced a, a slice of it.
And It was, there's nothing that I can't even explain it as, as clearly as I felt it because I saw I told you that these people in sharing their stories showed to me that we're all human beings and there is love on either side, no matter what we look like. And so that that's how Mowgli and these strangers came into my life.
And I started You know I started getting back to normal, and that's why I found that job in East Harlem, because I wanted to serve communities like home, that homelessness is rampant in New York as well. And, I wanted to go out there and just do something which would allow me to see what real poverty looks like because I still could afford to live in a fancy apartment now in Williamsburg.
And food was taken care of. I could still go and do college courses. I could do anything. Yes, working was still a challenge, but there was so much to be grateful for. And that's when I also started working with a therapist I had to put my trust in someone to understand how to heal my anger and the darkness that I was carrying within me.
Kristina: I know. And I love how you said in the book that it took you six months to open up to her.
Varuni: Yeah, because I was trying to people-please and I was trying to present this picture. Wow. And I think people do talk about this. They do talk about how when they go to a therapist, they'll just want to make the therapist reflect this part of themselves, which is so perfect. And so that's not the point. You're supposed to get into the ugly. You're supposed to show them what it is. And so in the beginning, all she saw was. Just lies, which I was trying to project so that she would like me.
And then I couldn't hold on to that anymore. And also my choice of the therapist in the beginning, I was trying to look for an immigrant therapist or a person, but she was this, I matched with this, this white woman who is from a part of America who I would imagine people don't like a person like her would not understand my struggles.
Kristina: And that's a valid point, Bruni. Like I do think, I think when we are looking for a therapist we want to find someone who we feel is going to be able to understand and relate to us.
Varuni: Yes, I know. And I think that people should make that informed choice, but there were there was so much about her in her in her description, which completely like in terms of understanding how people lose their self esteem and then, how they deal with death, because now I was dealing with my mother in law who was passing away right in front of me.
And there was so much there, which she could have helped me with, and I was holding her race. the color of her skin against her. So it took me still a couple of days to say, Hey, I'm not going to stereotype this person because I know what that feels like. I'm going to give her a chance.
I just took a leap of faith and she did get into the ugly. She understood she still is there with me and I can tell her things as is now. I don't have to sugarcoat things. Even when I'm doing these podcasts, she understands. how much courage it takes sometimes on certain days. So she's almost become like my my coach slash mother, I think that's a very beautiful and a strong relationship that we've developed again. Because. I decided that I'm going to give this human being a chance. You have to do that. Yeah. No matter what we go through, when we go through pain, we have to understand that we have to move beyond that pain and give other people a chance.
Kristina: Yeah. Beautifully said. Beautifully said. Yeah. Because, you're, you really are very honest about in the book, how you were discouraged with humanity. You didn't have faith in people anymore until one fated day during COVID walking your dog Mowgli.
Varuni: Yes. So by this time, because of all the work that I'd been doing with my therapist cognitive behavioral therapy, I was doing, I was meditating for at least 15 to 20 minutes.
Now I meditate for an hour. All of these things were helping me slowly. So the anger was still in check. My husband was spending more time with me in New York and less time in Los Angeles. So I knew that things were looking better. And. What happened that day, this was four to five years ago, we all remember George Floyd, and we were living, we were living in a part of of the city, I think back then we had moved out of Williamsburg back into Bed Stuy, and Bed Stuy is where a lot of African Americans live.
And it was it was absolutely quiet. It was like there was pin drop silence on the streets because people were the community was shaken up and of course there were people were very angry. I remember I was, when I was even walking around, I could sense that on the streets. And. I had not yet seen what had happened.
I had just briefly just read the news. And when I saw what had happened, it brought back all the anger. It brought back all my hurt and my pain. And during that day, my husband was, he was in a very important surgery. And it was very important day for him. And I found myself walking on the streets with that anger and my, I'm walking my dog, Mowgli.
And I'm so, I'm just so mad at my husband all over again, because I'm like, we should just go because we shouldn't be in this country. We should just leave, which maybe we should go to Canada. We should explore other options. Because what if, what if I have children here and they go through something that extreme and it was just, it was absolute like rage inside my head.
I didn't realize that my dog Mowgli was pulling so hard and in such a way that I would have lost control of his leash. And that is exactly what happened, but something worse happened. Not only did his, did the leash go off my hand because of the way I was walking him, his entire harness came off.
He had nothing, he was just absolutely naked and he got so scared, because obviously it's New York, there's so many people, they're everywhere, and this is, this was a major traffic intersection in Bed Stuy, and in, in all that panic of the honking cars and pedestrians and all that, he didn't know, he in fact jumped straight into the street and ran towards the traffic, and I just started screaming, and I just started screaming, and I just started screaming.
When I found my voice, but before that, I was just, I just stood there and I didn't know what was going to happen. I could see he's running towards traffic and the traffic's coming towards him. And the only thing I managed to say was, can someone please save my dog? And I couldn't even scream it because I was so afraid.
And these random guys who were across the street, they just jumped in four to five guys. They just jumped into the traffic. And the traffic would have, those speeding cars would have hit them, but they just jumped into the traffic and all four of them, four to five of them, from different directions, they're trying to catch hold of this dog, and Mowgli is a strong dog, and he tried to claw them, he tried to first get out they had to first catch him and hold him down.
Meanwhile, the traffic's still coming. The traffic stopped. When does traffic stop? The cars stopped, and these men, they Were able to drag him. He's still they don't know where the harness is. They don't know where the leash is. I am at this point. I was shaking and somebody one of them I think came and started rubbing my hand.
They knew that if they give Mowgli to me, there's no way I would. Be able to take care of him. And I just want to, I just want to interject that part of what was going on also is that Mowgli is not a small dog. No Mowgli is very big dog. And when you have a big dog that's terrified, then it becomes like super strong.
Kristina: So that's why having those four to five guys, it took them. Really gripping onto him if one, just one guy had run out there, that wouldn't have worked. Nope. Nope. And what would they have held on to? He didn't have anything on him. He didn't have a harness. He didn't have a collar.
Varuni: He didn't have anything. Correct. Yeah. And they basically just like after 15 to 20 minutes when they were able to get him on the side and get the leash and everything, they put it all back. Then they checked with me. Someone, I think got water for me. I don't remember, but They checked whether I was in a position to now sit on the side of the street and just hold my dog before they walked away.
And they checked they made sure that I was okay. And it was a turning point for me because Mowgli, meant everything to me. He had completely healed me, healed my relationship with my husband, given us moments of laughter and normalcy in our household. And that day had something happened to him in front of my eyes, just because of my anger, which I could not control.
My entire life would have then just been over. I can see how bad it would have been. But then when I went back home, I was like, think about those four to five guys who just jumped into the traffic. They didn't have to. In New York, there are oftentimes all kinds of crazy people doing all kinds of crazy things on the streets and people just put blinkers on and they keep walking ahead. So those guys did not have to risk their lives. And I was like, this is when I decide what I'm going to focus on again. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to make a list of everything good that has happened to me in America and everything bad that has happened to me in America.
I literally made a list like a table and the good actually was a longer list because the human brain always gravitates towards tragedy. We want to hold on to, Oh, look at poor me, because we want to feel self important. But if anyone sits down in their life and makes this sort of a list, they will realize how many blessings they have.
My life, even as a brown immigrant woman in America, had so many blessings. And because of random people as well, like these four guys, and almost simultaneously, there was a video which was going around of this guy, this African American man, which showed up on my screen almost simultaneously.
And his name is Richard Phillips, and, I'm seeing all these paintings and things like that.
And I'm like, who is he? Why? What is this video about? So I find out that there was this guy in 1971. He was incarcerated for a murder, just that he'd never committed that murder. And there was this other friend, there was this other person, Richard Palombo, who implicated him, who was in some ways involved in the crime.
But it was a false allegation. But for close to about 38 years, Richard kept on saying that I have not committed this crime. And, Like basically all the evidence or the circumstantial evidence was against him. So he had to serve time in the prison. He was the only one who believed that he was absolutely innocent.
I think a lot of his family members were also in doubt. And many of them over the course of such a long time, they even passed away. By the time his innocence is proven, which is after 38 years, Richard Palermo makes a confession and says that this guy was not like, he didn't even know about him. By the time he's actually out of prison, it's around 45 to 46 years. That's the longest time any person who has not committed a crime has served in the prison. And it was very traumatic for him. And in order to deal with the trauma. Of being painted as a murderer, he would get up every day and he would paint a watercolor.
And by the end of those 46 years, he'd made close to about 400 watercolor paintings.
Kristina: Amazing. Yeah. Love this. . I've never heard of this guy till I read your book.
Varuni: And I remember what he said. He said that as long as you're alive. Nobody has the right, no, no individual, no state, no entity has the right to take away your freedom from you.
Your freedom is yours and you get to keep it. So it's, I pretty much took these words and I pasted it right in front of me. I was like, nobody has the right to tell me how I'm going to lead my life. What am I? Am I a good writer? Whether I'm allowed to be a writer or not. And I just, it was like my mantra.
Kristina: Beautiful. So freaking empowering, like what you just said, nobody gets to tell me what I'm going to be and I'm going to choose what I'm going to be. And one of them you just mentioned was a writer. You've accomplished that goal, written this beautiful book. Wow.
Varuni: But the, what I realized was. I was in a prison it was a gilded cage, right? A gilded cage, yeah. And he was in an actual prison. What I realized was that he and I had two things in common. We had an abundance of time and we had creativity. And that is why when he started painting those watercolors, he chose to do something constructive or productive at that time.
I decided as soon as I saw that message that I needed to finally sit down and use my talents, use my time. And so I decided that I'm going to sit and write my story, and I'm also going to paint every day. These are two things that I learned from Richard Phillips.
He's a free man and his paintings have become world famous and
Kristina: he's he a multimillionaire, essentially.
Varuni: Yeah. Essentially. Yeah. Yeah. But had he not picked up the watercolor brush. He wouldn't be where he is. Had I not, during that time, been inspired by him, I wouldn't have been able to write the story.
And I wrote the story, number one, because I wanted to heal. And number two, I wanted women who are standing in my shoes. To feel vindicated and not alone, to feel that, yes, there is somebody just like you who's going through this. And I think when I wrote my book, the statistics were not that clear.
I've only recently found out that there are more than half a million women, if not more, who are in this situation. But, yeah, they've internalized a lot of that pain, that trauma, and the darkness. And so the story is essentially for them, or anybody who hits that point of no return. It could be anyone.
You could go through cancer, you could lose a limb, you could lose a loved one, and you could hit that point of no return where you think, what's the point of living? And I think my book will allow that individual to see that you can still build your life back in blocks. Piece by piece. I don't remember the exact words and everything, but just, it was like you had lost faith in humanity and with the incident with Mowgli, you began to have faith in humanity again, too.
Kristina: Yes. Yes. Wow your journey has been so incredible, Varuni. And your book, Golden Handcuffs, An Immigrant's Pursuit of Happiness. It's such an important message in so many different ways. Is there anything, any last words that you want to leave with my listeners? Any advice, you've been to, in the depths of despair you've lived.
Yeah. In my opinion, you've lived a quite unconventional life. You've had a lot of variety, growing up one way and then having major changes and living through many different things. What advice do you have?
Varuni: I would say that what this little journey of 10 years has taught me is that as a country or as a human being, you will face fear.
And you will face hatred. These are negative emotions, which you will come face to face with, but it's your choice. To go into that negativity and right now in America, we are surrounded by fear and we are surrounded by hate, but we're also surrounded by faith and love are not as the light of faith and love does not shine so bright.
It's not a film. You have to consciously walk your brain. And your mind and your heart towards that. Even for average Americans, for women out there. And for this beautiful country that has built a very amazing society. It's an experiment that has never been seen in the world before. It's a democracy like none other. And that is why we have all these people. We have so much diversity. That is a choice of love, that is an example of love.
When I was in India, I was the higher caste, right? I was entitled. I thought I would never see a time like this. And I will always see comfort and privilege. But then life showed me another side. So I would try to tell Americans that, hey, protect this beautiful democracy, and don't take it for granted.
And with that, everybody will be taken care of. The margins will be taken care of. The center will be taken care of. We all are the same. We all are absolutely the same. It's just melanin and politics and media. That has trapped us into these cages where we feel we need to fight against each other, but we're just the same.
Kristina: Yeah. So beautifully said. Veruni, I think why I loved your book so much is that it's a story of spiritual growth. It's 10 years of spiritual growth. The book starts out with you living in a certain mindset and. And then we literally get walked through your spiritual journey. The person you are today is so incredible.
And it's so different than who you were. you stayed committed to the path of spiritual growth. It's so incredibly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story today, Veruni. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story with the world. your message needs to be heard by women all around the world.
OUTRO:
Hey, Brave Friends. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy life to listen to today's episode.
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I'm sending you guys so much love. Until next time, keep being brave.
